Drunk Slade is Awesome Slade
by Hanna Sedai
Summary: Drunk Slade strikes again! A collection of oneshots depicting the TT's favorite drunk villain.
1. Rock On

**Disclaimer: **Slade Wilson was created by Marv Wolfman and not by me.

"Mississippi Queen" belongs to Mountain

**A/N: **Drunk Slade is back by popular demand! LOL, I never expected "Wake Up Call" to be so popular. So here's the deal, peeps: every time I come up with another drunk Slade oneshot I'll post it here as a separate chapter. So if you want to follow the strange and wonderful adventures of drunk Slade, then add this to your story alerts.

Also, some of these "adventures" are based on actual experiences I have had with drunk people. This is one such incident.

* * *

Wintergreen glanced at his watch and sighed. It was getting late, too late even for Slade. He sat reading a book in the depths of Slade's haunt, although he couldn't concentrate because of the loud music blaring from the main room.

There was nothing he could do to stop him. The man was intent on this. Wintergreen almost didn't want to interrupt Slade, since he did have a lot to drink tonight. After a few more minutes of listening to that ghastly racket Wintergreen shut his book and frowned.

Something had to be done.

He walked down the hallway, the music growing louder and louder as he neared the common room. Wintergreen pushed the door open and was greeted with a cacophony of sound. Rubbing one of his ears, Wintergreen scowled and shouted over the music.

"Slade, could you turn down the music?"

The enormous television screens that took up most of the wall each had a separate screen. Two Sladebots worked the controls. One was on the drums and one on the bass guitar. Unmasked and obviously drunk, Slade danced across the room as he slammed his hand down on the plastic guitar. He wore his Xbox live communication headphones and sang into the microphone. All of the different tracks were in perfect unison—except for the lead guitar and vocals on top.

"Sir, are you singing and playing the guitar at the same time?" Wintergreen asked.

"_MISSISSIPI QUUEEEEEEENNNNNNNN!" _Slade sang. _"IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN—" _

Slade put the guitar behind his back and played it backwards. The track for the lead guitar on the screen right in front of him began to flicker red as Slade continually missed the buttons.

"Sir—"

_"WINTERGREEN!" _Slade boomed, smiling widely as he caught sight of Wintergreen. "Come play! I'll kick Bob off of drums!"

The Sladebot "Bob" continued to play the drums. As dignified as he could, Wintergreen looked from the Sladebot to Slade, shaking his head all the while.

"No thank you, sir, I'm not as good as you. I'll fail."

"No—it's on no-fail mode!"

"That explains a lot."

The song was beginning to end. Slade went down on his knees to finish the last guitar riff, just hoping for that one last shot at a unison bonus. Wintergreen took this opportunity to back away into the hall, shutting the door carefully behind him.

_"HELL YES!" _Slade shouted. _"I BEAT ROBIN'S HIGH SCORE!"

* * *

_

**A/N: **…

Well, if I had Sladebots and giant TV screens I would throw a giant Rock Band party. Have you ever witnessed middle-aged drunk people play Rock Band? It's friggin' hysterical.

P.S: If you have any ideas for drunk oneshots, PM me.


	2. Like the Palm Trees

**Disclaimer: **What? I don't own Teen Titans? Slade will come and kill you.

**A/N: **So, the story behind this: I was out late one Saturday night with my college peeps waiting for the shuttle to take us back to campus. While we were waiting a drunk woman came up and started talking to us. What Slade says here are ACTUAL WORDS FROM A DRUNK WOMAN, whom we nickednamed "Norma the Italian nurse."

* * *

Adeline sat reading a book on the couch while Joey played the piano. There was nothing more she loved to do than listen to her son play the piano and guitar. Thanks to her no-good, rotten ex-husband Joey couldn't exactly sing anymore.

The phone rang.

"Hello?" she asked, propping the phone on her shoulder. "This is the Kane household, Adeline speaking."

"Addie!" a familiar male voice exclaimed. "It's SO good to finally talk to you again?"

Her eyes widened as a snarl twisted her lips. Of all people, _Slade _was calling her? She already scared him off by shooting his eye out. What else did she have to do to get him out of her life?

"What do you want, Slade?"

"I just want to talk to you." Slade hiccupped. "Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Yeah," Slade replied in a sing-song voice. "You are so beautiful. Like the palm trees."

By now Joey had stopped playing the piano to listen.

"Excuse me?"

"You are beautiful like the palm trees. And our sons are like the palm trees as well. They will grow tall and strong like the palm trees."

She thought briefly of hanging up on him. He wasn't just drunk, he was damn near _wasted. _But another thought struck her. Why was he drunk? Back when they lived together he had always been a moderate drinker.

"Why are you drunk, Slade?"

"I lost my apprentice."

"Your…apprentice?" What the hell was he up to in Jump City? "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going to hang up."

_"NO!" _Slade shouted. "I really need to confess something."

Adeline narrowed her eyes and rubbed her temple with two fingers. Joey asked her in sign language why Slade was calling. She shook her head and shrugged.

"Okay, two days ago I was driving on the highway like this—" she heard the phone being set down on the table and heard Slade moving in the background. "—yeah, just like that. I was just driving along, minding my own business when along…came…a…MATTRESS!"

She lifted the phone away from her ear as he shouted that last word into her ear.

"Addie, I then thought: what the hell is a mattress doing on the highway? I mean seriously, what the _hell? _I didn't have time to stop it or swerve out of the way. So you know what I did? I RAN IT OVER!"

She had had enough. Adeline placed the phone back in the receiver and took a deep breath. Joey was looking at her with a concerned expression on his face.

"I am so glad I divorced your father."

* * *

A/N: LOL!

Slade is a fun drunk.


	3. No Reservation

**Disclaimer: **Drunk Slade belongs to DC Comics.

**A/N: **Hey guys! I felt bad about not updating these oneshots, since I've been busy with school and my multi-chapter story. I've been meaning to write this, though, since me and my college peeps met ANOTHER crazy drunk person in town. We call him Barney, but in this case let's call him Slade.

* * *

It was a great night to out to town.

The Teen Titans walked down the main street of Jump City, laughing as they told inside jokes to each other. Tonight they were going out to eat dinner together and have fun.

"I still think we should go to that vegan restaurant on the other side of town," Beast Boy said.

"Aw hell no," Cyborg said at once. "I want to eat something."

"Let's just eat here," Robin said, pointing to a restaurant. "It's not too expensive. Aqualad said it's a good place to eat."

After they agreed on this Robin went inside to talk with the hostess. Her smile widened as she realized who was coming into the restaurant.

"I know we don't have a reservation," Robin said, "but is it possible to get a table soon?"

"Of course, Titans," the hostess replied, "there's a party just finishing up desert. We will be happy to serve you, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait outside for a few minutes."

"No problem."

The Titans went back outside the restaurant and leaned against the wall. Waiting for a table didn't bother Robin the least bit. All he really wanted to do tonight was spend time with his friends and forget about crime-fighting for a while. Robin loved being out like this—no fighting, no crime sprees no—

"Hey Titans."

Robin stopped short as they came upon an older man came up to them. He narrowed his eyes as he caught a strong whiff of alcohol. Great, just great.

"Hey," Beast Boy replied nervously, his ears twitching. "What's up?"

"Idiot," Raven hissed, elbowing him in the ribs, "don't talk to drunks."

"Drunk?" the man repeated. "Me?"

For some reason Robin felt himself tense. Was it just him, or did something seem familiar about this guy? He looked up at the man. Whoever this guy was, he was obviously ex-military. He had a lot of muscle and wore simple work cloths. If Robin had to put an age to the man he would have guessed early-fifties.

"Nah, I'm not drunk." The man hiccupped and then held out a tin can. "I'm just asking for donations."

Everyone looked down dubiously at the can.

"For what?" Cyborg asked.

"Well, if you _must _ask: I need money to buy more robots."

"Robots?" Cyborg repeated. "Robots for what?"

"Robots to play Rock Band with me. I don't really have any friends to play with me. Well, there's Will, but he never wants to play."

Robin just _couldn't _shake off the feeling that he knew who this man was.

"Dude," Beast Boy said in a low voice, "when is she gonna call us in?"

"Do you not have any friends, sir?" Starfire asked, completely oblivious to the fact that she was speaking to a drunk. "How horrible!"

The drunk nodded solemnly. His eye slid over to Robin. He took out a beer from his coat pocket and drank from it before pointing to Robin with it.

"Hey, you and I go way back."

"What?"

"BOY WONDER!" the drunk shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. "That's what made me think of you in the first place, you know."

Robin was beginning to feel uncomfortable. While he didn't like drunks there was really nothing he could do to make the man go away. As long as the drunk wasn't hurting anybody all the Titans could do was ignore him.

"I really don't care," Robin replied, a bit too hastily. "Look, sir, do you want us to call a cab for you or—"

"Aw, how sweet. You were never this nice to me last time we met. In fact, you were kind of a brat. I don't like that."

"I really don't know what you're talking about."

"And Batman! God, I hate that man. It made me so _friggin' _angry when you mentioned him."

Robin was at a loss for words. Before he could reply the drunk began to sway to some tune in his head. A few seconds later he ruffled Robin's hair before dashing away from them.

"NANANANANANA BATMAN!" the man sang, running down the street. "BATMAN!"

They watched him go with wide eyes. Did that really just happen? Robin stood there with his mouth hanging open and his spiky hair all messed up. What. The. Hell.

"Titans!" the hostess called out. "We have a table for you!"

* * *

**A/N: **LOL this actually happened to me and my friends when we went out to dinner. Crazy drunk man came up to talk to us for like, twenty minutes. Good thing we had an ROTC man to protect us! God, I don't know why my group of peeps attracts so many crazy people. Not quite as funny as the other oneshots, but still entertaining for me to write.

TROLOLOLO I need to go to bed.


	4. Thunderbolt and Lightning

**Disclaimer: **Oh hell no I don't own Teen Titans.

**A/N: **HOLY SHIT LIGHTNING JUST STRUCK THE BUILDING NEXT TO MINE! FIRE DEPARTMENT IS EVERYWHERE ON CAMPUS AND I WAS JUST ALLOWED BACK INSIDE MY DORM! INSTEAD OF STUDYING I SHALL PROCEED TO VENT MY ADRENELINE RUSH THROUGH A DRUNK SLADE ONESHOT!

* * *

"Sir," Wintergreen said. "I really think you should calm down."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Wintergreen rolled his eyes. At any other time Slade would be level-headed, calm, even amused by the lightning storm. But he was a completely different man when he was drunk. Wintergreen watched Slade run back and forth across the room in a frenzy.

Just moments before Slade had been out on the rooftop in a drunken stupor, dancing to Hall and Oates in the rain. If Wintergreen wasn't such a good friend then he would have filmed it and put it on YouTube. But when the lightning storm began then drunk Slade began to freak out. It was rather entertaining to watch.

"It's just lightning, sir."

"SHELOB IS COMING!" Slade shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "WE MUST APPEASE THE ANGRY GODS WITH A SACRIFICE!"

Slade then ran around the haunt, trying to find something to appease the angry lightning gods. Wintergreen rolled his eyes and shook his head. Slade would have a giant headache in the morning. Not to mention a cold from dancing in the rain.

"I'll be going to bed now, sir."

"APPEASE THE LIGHTNING GODS!"

* * *

**A/N: **LOL. Back to studying for my midterm now.


	5. Midnight Premiere

**Disclaimer: **Ron Perlman's voice melts butter. Unfortunately, his sexy Slade voice (and Slade Wilson himself) belongs to DC Comics.

* * *

The policemen exchanged strange glances as they closed in on the masked villain.

"Sir, please step away from the—"

_"Shut up!" _Slade snapped, his words slurring a little. "I _have _to be here!"

"May I remind you," a terrified worker said, rising her finger, "that you don't have a ticket, sir?"

The surrounding crowd of wizard youths watched with wide eyes as Deathstroke the Terminator held a child hostage. This glorious night was really going to be wasted by one of Jump City's greatest criminal masterminds?

"Someone should call in the Titans," one of the policemen muttered. "This is getting out of hand."

"No, it's fine," his partner said. "He's drunk. I can smell it."

The first police officer lifted his head and sniffed. He could definitely smell the alcohol in the air. If the mercenary wasn't holding this child hostage then they wouldn't be able to arrest him for being anything but a public nuisance.

"Sir, we are willing to compromise," said the first police officer. "What do you want?"

The small child dressed as a wizard began to cry. This was getting out of hand. They needed to do something fast before something bad happened. He still thought that they should call in the Titans. At the same time he wanted to see how this was going to play out.

"Time's running out, officers!" Slade shouted. "It's almost midnight!"

The police officers looked around for a solution. Was there no way to peacefully talk to this man? But why was the criminal mastermind out and about? He usually slunk about the shadows annoying the Teen Titans.

_"GOD DAMMIT!" _Slade roared. "I MUST BE AT THE MIDNIGHT PREMIERE OF HARRY POTTER!"

* * *

**A/N: **Giggle.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the midnight premiere. Morning classes suck. I will be watching it tomorrow night instead. But everyone else, including drunk Slade, is very excited to see the new Potter movie.


	6. The One True Religion

**Disclaimer: **You know what I'm gonna say….

**A/N: **

Ahem.

A few things: 1. My season 6 story "The Blorthog Project" will be posted soon. Look out for that.

2. Check out my other story "Northern Star" which is an apprentice fanfic.

3. This was a request/suggestion by Star of Airdrie.

* * *

"Come join Scientology, the one true religion!"

"Uh…no thank you, sir."

Slade began to shove pamphlets into unsuspecting peoples' hands. Although he was undeniably drunk he knew that he just had a life-changing experience. While drinking himself silly after his latest defeat at the hands of the Teen Titans Slade realized that something was missing in his life: spirituality.

After the bartender kicked him out of the bar Slade found his way to the local Scientology center, where the people there graciously helped him out. Now he realized his true meaning in life. He didn't have to be a villain to do great things in life!

"You know you want to join!" Slade shouted. "Come hear the story of Xeno, the tyrant ruler of the Galactic Confederacy!"

People simply gave him strange looks as they passed by. Wintergreen pushed his way through the small crowd of people.

"Sir—"

"WILL!" Slade exclaimed, shoving a piece of paper into Wintergreen's hand. "Just in time! I've discovered something quite remarkable here—"

"I've come to take you home. Slade, think of your reputation. If the Teen Titans ever found out about this then your reputation would be ruined."

"None of that matters anymore, Will. I have converted to Scientology, which is popular among the great celebrities like Tom Cruise and John Travolta."

"Oh good Lord, Slade you can't keep doing this." Wintergreen put a hand to his throbbing forehead. "You need to find a hobby or something."

"I should find another apprentice," Slade said, "then I can make him convert to Scientology."

"I'll set up another appointment with your psychiatrist—"

"NO! PSYCHIATRY IS BAD FOR YOUR BRAIN! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Slade took out another bottle of beer and began to drink some more. He had joined the one true religion and was content with life. He just wanted to drink some more to celebrate his wondrous epiphany.

"I'm sorry, Will, but I have an appointment with my auditor in five minutes. I'll have to leave soon."

Before Wintergreen could say anything Slade shoved the rest of the pamphlets into the butler's hands. He nearly skipped in happiness as he went inside the Scientology building.

"WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THE GALAXY!" Slade shouted. "RON HUBBARD WAS A GREAT MAN!"

* * *

**A/N: **

LOL Star of Airdrie wanted a crazy religious zealot Slade…and I thought that Christian zealots are overdone. Scientology is so much better. I think I was having way too much fun with this one. I kind of want to extend this one.

You know you wanna join the one true religion.


End file.
